Then He Asked Y...

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Jul. 22nd, 2005 | 08:49 am
mood: guilty
music: drowning

what compels ppl to constantly ask why ? okay, i guess i should start from the beginning. i went to tennessee on wednesday & i got back yesterday around the general area of 8:00. avoided another dozen or so of aaron's calls & then *he* calls me on his way over to matt's. tells me some bullshit bout how we need to go out & get a good buzz goin b/c i actually went to a place filled w/ water & didn't die. oh, the trip was a blast by the way. made 3 friends down in tennessee & all 3 have already called me. lol. anyway, back to life here. i snuck out around 1:00 & we rode around in matt's car for bout an hr & then we went ^ to matt's & had a few beers & some hippie crack. my fingers once again froze to the goddamn thingy so even more skin was taken off this time. but we're laughin our asses & then matt starts the discussion on y me & *him* never got together. we bullshitted our way through that & basically told matt he had no idea wtf he was talkin bout. then matt went to "take a piss" & left us alone for way too long to b takin a piss. that's when *he* decides to rationalize what i did by askin me y i did it. i lied my ass off & said that i didn't know y i had done what i did, but i didn't wanna tell *him* the truth. i didn't wanna look him in the eyes & tell *him* that i did that shit b/c i didn't give a rat's ass. when becca told me how i'd fucked him over he was just another name to add to the list, but when i came back from vacation & found out what had happened b/c of what i did i grew a conscience. & w/ a conscience comes guilt, regret, remorse, & a shitload of other emotions that i didn't hide @ that point b/c @ that point i didn't have anythin to hide. i was unequivocally apathetic & then i saw how much i had fucked ^ so many ppl's lives in just that 1 incident. in the 13 months that he's been gone there has not been a single day that i haven't been reminded of him in some way. after so long u try to push things to the very depths of ur mind but every so often they won't stay there. that's the way *he* is. little things that i used to enjoy so much would remind me of *him* & what happened to *him* b/c of my bad habits. a million apologies could not make my wrong forgivable & yet *he* comes back into my life & u know that he partially blames me, himself, jeremiah, & the lil bitch that got her ass beat - but for some unknown reason i'm the only guilty 1 he stills talks to. hell, he's changed alot since he got sent off & from where everybody's been talkin bout robert doin that dumb shit again i worry bout *him* goin out w/ him b/c if robert is doin that & *he* knows it i havta wonder... will *he* throw everything away for it again? well, it's really early in the a.m. & although i know i prolly won't b able to go to sleep, i'm gonna try anyway. <3 u all oodlesez.

everything is so complex
every day is like a test full of obstacles,
that seem almost impossible

& i'm thinking just another breath
not a minute left
how long have i been drifting

pass the glass pipe hit the flashlight
now break it
people say i'm a star but i still think i'll never make it

& i'm thinking
just another prayer
not a second left
i feel there's something missing

sometimes i hate that chaos surrounds me
when all the answers that i seek r around me
am i drowning
am i fading away
or am i living up to all ur dreams that made me this way
am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning

i've been to hell & back,
looking for the answers to life
looking @ myself trying to get things right

& i'm feeling,
just another breath
not a minute left
i feel the darkness lifting

there was a time that i questioned,
if i'd ever be alright
running getting high,
staying trapped by sleepless nights

& i'm thinking
just another breath
not a minute left
i feel there's something missing

i'm running from myself & all the things i don't like
living every night like it's the last night

& i'm thinking
just another prayer
not a second left
i need to stop resisting

sometimes i hate that chaos surrounds me
when all the answers that i seek r around me
am i drowning
am i fading away
or am i living up to all ur dreams that made me this way
am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning

drowning in the drama,
lost in the lies
trapped by the currents of life
caught in the riptide

drowning in the drama,
lost in the lies
trapped by the currents of life
caught in the riptide
am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning

sometimes i hate that chaos surrounds me
when all the answers that i seek r around me
am i drowning
am i fading away
or am i living up to all ur dreams that made me this way
am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning, am i drowning

(shitty band... but good lyrics)